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Hire People You Can’t Trust

The cornerstone of all business is the employees. If you want a good, profitable business do all you can to hire excellent workers. But you don’t want to do that. I mean, if you hire outstanding employees you can’t take credit for their work. So, don’t hire good employees, if you want to look like the star business man who does it all.

Hire as many untrustworthy people as you can, and install them into highly sensitive situations. Allow these new employees to handle money, social security numbers, and employee documents. What better way can there possibly be for you, the business owner, to have an excuse when the shareholders come snooping around for answers as to why their money vanishes? Don’t stop there, task these liars…. I mean, misinformers…. with replete bookkeeping jobs. Have them enter imaginary numbers into various columns, and then create company documents backing those numbers. Use those documents to hound vendors for money that they owe you, according to your books. You simply cannot hire someone who has a conscience to do this job. That pesky sense of justice will always get in the way. Darn morality!

Another reason to hire untrustworthy people is so that you won’t feel bad when you have to fire them, or “lay them off.” After all, they are untrustworthy, which always gives you grounds for letting them go. Don’t you just hate the idea of firing some poor schmuck who has been tirelessly working his brains out at an amazing rate to support his 5 children, 3 foster children, 4 parents, and a dozen cats? No problem when you have the multiple felon who steals scrap copper from your facility on a daily basis.

When things start to disappear after you’ve hired thieves, don’t worry. There’s no need to panic, or call out a witch-hunt to find out who has been stealing from your office, because you know who’s been stealing – everyone. See, how much time and agonizing effort you’ve just saved yourself!? Building up trust is such a chore, only to have it tested each and every time someone walks off with a gas-pump. Don’t build that trust, so that way you’ll never have to question that loyal 40-year worker. This way, when you are missing that “top of the line” calculator, you can just fire everyone, and replace the whole lot.

If you’re worried about having to find new employees, you’re still not getting it. Hiring from the bottom of the barrel means that you will never have to worry about screening, or interviews. You’ve taken the work right out of the process! Fire a crew one hour, and then hire a new one in a few minutes. It’s so easy! Anyone can do it, and should do it! So, get started already!

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Don’t Pay Bills

If you’re worried that your company is not making any money, just don’t pay your bills. I mean, what easier way could there be to ensure that you can make pure 100% profit? You did the work, so why should anyone else reap the benefits of your toil?

Here’s the situation, you’ve got investors breathing down your neck that you’re not making any money. By now, you should be making something, and those nice money givers are hoping to get something in return. I say givers on purpose, because, after all that’s what they did, they gave you money. They gave just like your renters, lenders, and equipment companies gave you free money through credit. They’re all the same, but you do have to treat each one differently. Because we’ve already looked at Credit Accounts, that topic will not be rehashed. But what about lenders, or givers as I call them? They gave a total of 10 million dollars to build your facility, and trick our your pimp-mobile with 25,000 dollar gold rims. They want some of that money back when a profit is turned. For months now you’ve been assuring the investors that all is running well, and your production is well exceeding expectations. Those sly devils then reason that some type of money should be made at your hand. Here’s how you get them off of your back. Take all the money that you should be paying the electric, water, and gas bills (through rent in for good measure, if you must), and give a tenth of that to the investors, that ought to buy some time.

I’m sure you noticed that I said take a tenth of that money, so what about the other 90%? Use it. Use it to buy an enormous machine, you know the type, something that spins, makes loud noises, and needs a lot of love. Sink 80% of the remaining funds allocated for bills into this monstrosity. The investors will really think you’re in the money, and that you’re really keeping their best interest at heart. After all, you’ve not asked them for more funds, and you’re trying to increase your production – at least that’s what they think. Now you look like gold, and to further enhance your golden image, go buy yourself a golden grill with your name on it with the remaining funds you’ve “created.”

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Open Credit Accounts

Credit is great! It has been cheap and easy for decades, and everyone should be using it, especially you. Credit allows you to purchase whatever you want, and not pay for it immediately. The neat thing about credit is one can buy whatever is wanted, and then when you’ve maxed out your limit, you can just move on to the next vendor. In other words, you have 10,000 dollars to spend at one store (use it all up, that’s what it’s there for), you can buy 10,000 dollars worth of stuff, not pay for it immediately, and then go to another store to do likewise. No one will ever notice your plan, because those saps will just think you’re going to be good business for them. Besides creditors love it when you go into debt with them. They send you letters in the mail don’t they?

Another thing to think about is the adage, “The only way to get credit is to go into debt.” For your company to succeed it is your duty to put them into debt, so spend it up, and keep opening new credit accounts for which to max out. I’m not talking about a few credit card purchases. I’m talking about opening as large a credit line possible with large electronics or mechanical supply stores and spending upwards of 50,000 dollars at each. I’m not talking about opening just one account per trade, I’m talking about opening a minimum of 5 credit lines for each division with no maximum limit. Just keep opening credit lines. Now, this is key, you must open all of these lines simultaneously. If you wait too long to open accounts, you may not be able to open them in the future. I think it has something to do with offending someone, though I can’t see why. You’re using the service that they provided for you, so it’s there fault, not yours.

If you’re worried about lawyers and litigation, that’s costly. Don’t worry about courts, most companies think it’s not worth trying to get your measly sum owed. Score! You just got thousands of dollars worth of materials for free!

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Make Safety Priority Number Thirty-two

Safety costs a ton of money. Money you’d rather use elsewhere, such as going to the tanning bed seven days a week, or sitting front row for the Super Bowl. Don’t spend it on safety. I mean, what’s to worry about? Everyone is an adult, so they should know how to handle themselves around heavy equipment, chemicals, or electricity. So, put safety a low point on that imaginary list of things to do that you keep locked up in your computer like brain. (I hope you’re computer doesn’t have a virus).

OSHA has a series of lists detailing how things must be done in order to maintain a safe work environment. Read this lengthy material, but read it late at night to help you sleep. It’s that riveting. Disregard anything in the lists that mentions fines and penalties for not complying, because those penalties apply only to other companies. Besides, what does OSHA know about safety anyway? They are just another government bureaucratic agency that hinders good business operation, so buck their authority. To ensure that OSHA never hears about toxic waste dumps or electrocutions threaten to fire any employee who does not bring safety issues to your attention. This way, you will be the only contact OSHA will ever speak to, and you assuredly will not speak to those annoying suits. That being said, OSHA will never show up unannounced, and you’re in the clear.

Another equally annoying safety group is the city. They’re always saying “permit” this and “permit” that. They also just want your money. So, don’t give it to them. Claim ignorance when the city comes by to tell you that you are in violation of a zoning ordinance that states no fire of any kind within 100 yards of the petroleum tanks onto which you are welding light fixtures. What’s the worst that could happen? An explosion? Look at it this way, if something explodes no one will remain to testify against you. When the city says that you did not have a permit to do the work, respond by kindly informing the city that they would not give you a permit in the first place. So, it’s their fault, and your business could not wait for the process to be completed. Work had to be done.

Hire an 18 yr old XBOX 360 pro with no other prior experience to be your safety director. He should have a good grasp on what explodes and how to kill from his many hours playing first player shooter games. (I know what you’re thinking, he might talk to OSHA! Don’t worry, just keep buying him the newest and coolest video games. He’ll be too busy to worry about safety). When an electrician comes into your office screeching that someone removed his lock-out/tag-out from the sawmill, you can refer him to the safety director, who in turn will offer a Mt. Dew and pop rocks to calm the surly electrician down. Next the director should have your party line down pat, “Those locks and tags only hinder work. Therefore, we removed them to get the job done. If you’re in the way of progress, then maybe you should look for another job.” With any luck the electrician will go on his merry way, but hopefully not to the city or OSHA to report some silly violation. No worry, if there is a problem, most likely no one will remain to bear witness of the disaster. So, you’ll be fine, at least you weren’t hurt. Maybe you can even catch a game with your safety director that evening.

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Don’t Sell Any Product

Making money is what greedy people do, and you’re not one of those money-grubbers on Wall Street. You most certainly don’t want to be seen as a person who got rich by selling some random product to the unassuming public. Instead, you should operate your business more like a collective. These things have wild promise and potential, and you’re the right person to make the masses giddy, so why not go for it?

First, create a wonderful business proposal – don’t worry, you won’t have to stick to it – that outlines how much potential profit margin can be made in your company. Since you won’t be sticking to the proposal, exaggerate.

Second, distribute this package to the wealthiest people you know and can find.

Third, purchase a lot of used equipment. Once you are in possession of this machinery, polish it up and paint it. Impression is what you’re going for, not production. Don’t worry that you told potential investors you can create 500 tons of ice-cream a day when you only have freezer space for 30 tons. They just need to see that you’re doing something, and they’ll leave you alone.

Fourth, keep buying equipment. When you run into problems producing that 500 tons a day, blame it on lack of funds. Try it! The government can even give you a few pointers on this one, so find your local congressman for advice. You have been showing investors consistent labor, but they have to give you more money to buy more equipment. Because they’ve already given you large sums, and they want to see a decent return on that investment, they’ll be more likely to deposit even more funds into your account, as opposed to the alternative, that is, your business fails, and they lose their initial investment. See, you can’t lose!

Fifth, become so entangled with building that producing is never the focus. It’s more fun to build. Humanity builds, and you’re a human right? Production is so tedious after all, and no one enjoys the daily grind. It’s monotonous. So, keep building. Never stop repairing lines, and rebuilding lines with newer, and better equipment. Just don’t pay for it out of your company profit. Find more investors, who will be glad to fund your new 40 ton capacity freezer.

Sixth, if you perchance make money by selling what product you do actually produce, do not spend that money on overhead, payroll, or past due bills. Spend that money on more building materials. Investors will love that you’re looking to the future. They’re patient people, just like the IRS, bill collectors, and lawyers. So, you have nothing to worry about. When anyone asks when you’re going to pay up, just show them your newest equipment, and give them a long, detailed, jargon filled story – I mean plan – about what you’re doing, and how much money you will be making. Just watch as those greedy, money-grubbers will warm up with delight.